...

Baby Nothando gave up her fight this morning. I don't know quite what to say. Sometimes there just aren't any words.

RATED G

So, I’ve been thinking… My posts are probably a bit too morbid. I don’t want to mislead you into thinking that everything here is depressing and horrible. On the contrary, I have never been happier to be somewhere. In fact, it’s hard to not let myself get consumed with thinking about how difficult it will be to leave Sparrow. I still have quite a while here, but it’s already a concern of mine. There are so many things I’d like to implement, but I can’t because I won’t be here to see them through. Anyway, I feel as though I’ve left out a lot of basic details about what my life at Sparrow is like. So, I’ll share with you what a “typical” day for me looks like:
12am-go to bed
1am- fall asleep
5am- wake up
5:15am- wake up
5:45am- wake up
6:30am- wake up
….. [this continues for a while… I think it’s a combination of the malaria pills, inconsistent temperature, dogs barking (there’s an animal shelter nearby… and many of the refugees live in my house), gunshots (don’t worry, there’s a shooting range nearby), and babies crying.]
9am- actually get up (although I’ve been up by 6am the last several days)
10am- eat yogurt with granola
11am- wander around, playing with the toddlers outside… say hello to the adults and kids in the hospice.
12pm- feed the babies in the hospice… get pooped on, spit-up on… yeeeeah.
1pm- eat leftovers or go to the admin break room to be served some curry, stew, or pap ( a tasteless corn-based, grits-like matter)
1:30pm- go to Coronation Hospital to visit the really sick kiddos
3pm- arrive back at Sparrow to help kids during “homework time”… Often, the ‘teachers’ don’t show up, so I get to fill in.
4pm- work specifically with the ones who need extra help, the special needs kids
5pm- play with the kids in the clusters/ yell at kids to stop hurting each other and play nicely
6pm- begin to wonder what I’ll do for supper/ feed babies/ hold babies
7pm- scrounge something up to eat/ go with Corine (the director), Pauline, and Karl (the doctor) to Mimmos Pizza (more like flatbread with weird toppings)
8:30pm- check on the kids to make sure they’re not getting into trouble
9:30pm- finish resolving whatever issue was at hand :O)
10:00pm- discuss the day’s happenings with Pauline (my retired roommate… and a very regular volunteer here, who specializes in many of the non-health issues at Sparrow)/ plan for the next day/ vent and brainstorm about what changes need to be made
11pm- sit outside, look up at the stars, look out at the Johannesburg skyline, process things, cry, and pray
12am- start over

[Of course, the schedule gets a bit more hectic when you add in the weekly: sleepovers, marimba practice, karate practice, swim lessons, field trips, music/ game night (the kids love to sing worship songs), music practice (teaching kids to read music, etc.), shopping for kids’ supplies, admin meetings, student council meetings, movie night, Saturday morning tutoring and art, Sunday church… and a partridge and a pear tree]

Loving the chaos. -stacy

a miracle?

I just got back from Coronation hospital. I'm a bit nervous to say it, but Nothando is actually doing better! Thank you for your prayers... There is absolutely no other explanation for this. Keep praying... she has a very, very, very long fight still ahead of her. I am in such shock. I mean, her breathing has been so labored that I was convinced she had broken some ribs and collapsed a lung. I tried breathing like that, and I couldn't keep it up for more than 10 seconds. Meanwhile, this tiny disease-filled skeleton of a person has been doing it for days. And she has been fighting since the minute she was born. I know the Lord is holding her in His hands. I need to understand that a little more. She is in His hands... which means it's okay if He takes her. Nevertheless, I'm still praying for miracles, and I hope you will join me.
As for Joel, he is in need of your prayers very much, as well. The doctors have verified that he does, in fact, have the drug-resistant form of TB. Please pray for this frail 12-yr old boy...that he will be comforted, and that the doctors will be able to quickly locate which chemical he is resistant to... so that they will still be able to help him.
I'll try to update you on my life a little bit more, but to sum it up: I never would have ever thought I'd be facing the issues I've faced in the last week.... How strange it is that the words "AIDS, TB, riot, pneumonia, death, poverty, and wealth" are now common in my vocabulary.

"I carry your heart, I carry you in my heart"

Good morning. You all should still be sleeping... I'm 6 hours ahead of most of you. And I've been up since 5am... so 11pm your time. I haven't been sleeping well at all the last few nights. I think it's a combination of the malaria pills and the fact that I have way too much on my mind. The last few days have been pretty depressing, to say the least.
At the hospital yesterday, I thought little Nothando was going to die in my arms. She is struggling so much... I don't know how much longer she can fight. I rode with Pauline there, but was not able to leave her after just an hour... so I stayed for another 4 hours, and Dr. Karl drove me home after he got off work. (He works at that hospital, Coronation.) I felt slightly better leaving then, because Corine (the director here) had brought Nothando's mother to the hospital, in case it was her last few moments. This brought on a whole other string of emotions. And, since Karl was driving, we took a short cut that I had never been on before... Right through the squatter camps, with shacks and garbage all over the place. Although, after a few minutes, we were right back among the 2 and 3 story houses. My heart has never been heavier.
When we arrived back at Sparrow, I had to go outside to be alone and cry because there were kids inside my dome, and I couldn't let them see me like that. Soon I had to go help some kids with a school project, so I went into the "clusters" where the kids live and play. Well, no matter how sad I was, it didn't take long before I was smiling and laughing with the kids-- playing hopscotch and basketball (I taught the guys how to play HORSE!) There is this constant conflict between hope and despair battling inside of me... and inside this village. Although, I stand more amazed each day at just how strong the human spirit is.

update

Thank you for your prayers. Little Nothando has survived the last two nights. However, I am getting ready to go to the hospital again to check on her... I pray she is still with us.
Also, Joel is much better... He may have to stay in the hospital another two weeks, just so that he does not spread the TB to the other kids here at Sparrow.
Blessings.

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST

PLEASE PRAY FOR NOTHANDO! (pronounced NOH-TAHN-DOE)

If you've read the below journal "Joys and Sorrows," then you know who Nothando is. Yesterday she was taken to the hospital (Coronation, the same place where Joel and another little baby are). We went to visit them, and I went straight to find Nothando, my baby. She is doing horribly. She can't even cry anymore... or lift her little arms up to be held. She just stares.... whimpers a bit. Among her many problems (all stemming from her VERY low cell count), she has a tumor inside her lower lip, which they have to give her medicine for. It's always a toss up with these little ones as to whether the medicines will kill them or make them stronger. I don't know how much fight she has left.
I couldn't stop crying, as I walked around the room with her in my arms. I felt like an idiot, because the room was full of mothers sitting by their dying babies... not one of them crying. Everyone stared at me, for numerous reasons, I'm sure. Corine (the director, who had driven us to the hospital) drove back to Sparrow, while I held Nothando, to bring her mother to the hospital because Corine "had a bad feeling" about Nothando making it through the night.
I am begging you to pray for this little one. We call prayer chains for broken legs and illness; I am asking you to all pray for a miracle for my baby-- for Nothando's life to be saved.

TODAY’S JOYS AND SORROWS

(written: 23 October 2006)

Joy- Lilian giving me her bread—Lilian is a little girl whose mother lives here in the hospice. Diana is another little girl in a similar situation. They are both around the age of 6, and are so precious. They’ve become my shadows. It’s actually been a bit difficult for me to handle in the last couple of days, because the girls don’t usually want to leave my side… When they are being called away by their sick mothers. I’m not happy about this, but I do love these little girls. Anyway, Lilian’s mother had just come home from the hospital in town, and Lilian had not eaten much all day… Her mother gave her a bread bun to eat until she could get some more food… and Lilian instantly looked up at me, tore her bread in half, and tried to hand it to me… with the most pure and innocent look I’ve ever seen. It was the highlight of my week.

Sorrow- Joel, “the pain is too much!” Joel is the 12 year old boy with the very low t-cell count, who looks like he is about 8 because of his frail body. He was taken to the hospital this week (when this happens, you know things are not good… because it extends beyond the means of our own hospice). Well, a few days ago, he was moved into “seclusion” because he has TB, among other things. This poor little one sits in a glass room by himself, except for the brief moments when we visit him each day…. And have to smile at him behind medical masks. Anyway, when we went to visit him today, the nurse came to inject the medicine into the tube in his arm… and he yelled in agony. These children experience so much pain and sickness each day…. It takes a lot for them to cry out in pain. I just had him squeeze my hand… don’t know what else to do.

Joy- blowing bubbles with Diana. I already told you who she is, but to tell you a bit more about this precious little one: Diana’s mom is too sick to even walk around, unlike Lilian’s mom. Diana also is a special needs child… It’s hard to tell, but she does process things a little differently. When she hits a child out of fun and then they try to hit her back, I will yell at both of them…. But she can’t handle being called down… I guess she can’t handle the disappointment, because she just gets very sad and hides her face for a while. So, when this happened today, I waited a while, and then dug out some bubbles that I had brought with me for the kids to play with. I took Diana and Lilian outside to blow and chase bubbles. This cheered her right up, and she has the most amazing smile… Her whole face lights up. I’ll soon have photos to share with you.

Sorrow- Nothando has stopped crying… now she just stares. This is the little 2 year old who is smaller than a 2 month old. She is skin and bones, except for her bloated stomach. Her name means “loved one,” and I love her so much. She is my baby here. I recently discovered that her mother does actually live here at Sparrow; she just rarely visits her dying baby. Her mother is very young and is sick, as well. Anyway, I’ve struggled with the caregivers all week about “spoiling” Nothando by picking her up, because she cries to be picked up and they don’t want to deal with it. Dr. Karl has told me to give her extra attention, but I’m trying not to cause any trouble at the same time. Well, today when I visited her, she wasn’t crying to be picked up… This is very worrisome to me.

Joy- listening to a bunch of crazy kids play the marimbas and drums, something they take pride in. A group of nearly 20 kids were able to go to England to perform the marimbas. They took the trip in May, I believe, but it meant so much to them… as they hardly even leave Sparrow, so leaving the country is a huge deal! I went to their rehearsal tonight, and it was wonderful. Some were playing, while some were singing and dancing to the music. This is one aspect that always reminds me I’m in Africa; while other things may seem pretty Westernized here in South Africa, the music is usually quite native… and I love it.

extreme

--written earlier today--
So let’s talk about some of the other extremes I’ve observed so far here in South Africa.

*extreme wealth vs. extreme poverty
For those of you who have been on mission trips before, you may not see a worse degree of poverty here in South Africa. After having gone to Mexico and Jamaica on mission trips, I was prepared for people living in shacks made of cardboard and scrap metal. What I could not have prepared myself for was the extreme gap in social class. It is more severe here than anywhere else in the world. For example, in many areas, you may see a mansion nicer than anything you’ve seen before… sitting just a few blocks from one of the poorest shacks you’ve ever seen. For the most part, the classes are divided into different suburbs/townships… But for so much wealth and so much poverty to reside in the same area… it’s insane. You might not notice it on the tourist visit to Capetown, but it is the saddest and most definitive aspect of South Africa. South Africa is very similar to Australia, except in this way, as Australia is a very egalitarian society… which is what I loved most about it.
*positive vs. negative
These words have the power to make or destroy a life. The definitions of these terms are quite different for us in the States. Here, “positive” is the worst word you can hear… While “negative” has a very positive connotation. Of course, this is due to the fact that South Africa has the worst AIDS epidemic in the world. Thus, the words “positive and negative” are solely used in conjunction with HIV. Here, being “positive” means your life is essentially over… It is the beginning of the end. Meanwhile, being “negative” means one still has a chance! This is the world I am living in… one that is positive and negative.
*sickness
Here’s another extreme for me. I have never in my life seen such sickness… so many people that are SO sick. Babies, mothers, children, men. It is a very strange feeling watching a mother waste away while she holds her baby whom she has infected. Knowing your child will have to suffer so much after you pass on; this must be the worst feeling in the world. Still, many of the mothers are so sweet and joyful.
*violence
This country is very violent, but it is actually quite miraculous that it’s as peaceful as it is… considering that apartheid just ended here a little over a decade ago! The crime is still very bad. The downtown area of Joburg is completely off-limits to Whites. I cannot explore, as I usually do. I don’t even leave Sparrow, with the exception of hospital visits and eating out from time to time… Of course, that’s always with someone driving who knows what they’re doing. I have to obey the rules of this country and its people, and not be a stupid American. So far, I’ve done pretty well.
*extremely friendly vs. guarded
For the most part, everyone here is very friendly. However, many are also very cautious and guarded. This has been my greatest struggle here at Sparrow. Some of the children are afraid to get close because they have been abandoned so many times before. The first question many of them ask is when I’ll be leaving. At the same time, nearly all of the children have come running toward me with open arms, saying “mama- mama” since the first time they saw me. The children have not been the most difficult part at all… It’s actually the staff that I’ve had trouble getting close to. The “caregivers” are a staff that work under the nurses here. Generally, they are pretty closed off at first. I’m trying to earn their respect and trust, but it isn’t easy to figure out what is helping and what is irritating. For example, they don’t like me picking up the babies because it “spoils” them. I’m sure I’ll discuss this topic much more in the future… But I need to go spoil some more babies… It’s lunch time!

planes, curry, and automobiles

[This background info is a bit dull... but hang in there]

So it’s been a week since my departure… and a crazy week it was. It has been a week of many extremes—more than I’ve ever come across in my lifetime. For example, this was my first time flying solo, in a literal sense… I had flown back from Australia by myself, but this was my first time going overseas on my own. (Not to mention, South Africa is very, very far!) The first 8-hour flight to London was not so bad; however it was an international experience right from the beginning, as I flew “Air India” out of Chicago. The flight attendants wore their traditional Saris, and I was served extremely spicy curry… which made me a bit nervous, seeing as how I was stuck on an airplane. Luckily, I had yogurt with it to calm things down a bit. :O) Despite the two babies that were crying in front of me the whole time, I was able to get a little sleep.
Things got a little crazy once I arrived in London. I thought I’d have enough time on my layover to venture into the city, so I stood in the line for immigration. I had just gotten my stamp when the officer asked what day I would be leaving. When I told him I would be leaving in about 7 hours, he said, “Oh noooo, you don’t have time for that… Just go on to your terminal and have a bit of a sandwich.” A sandwich?! That hardly compares to the sights of London, but okaaaaaaay…. I then went back to “flight connections” which had previously had no line at all, and now was about a quarter mile long. No joke. After standing in line with my heavy carry-on bag for about 2 hours, security personnel told me that I could not have both a purse AND a bag… well, let’s just say that things got pretty crazy after that… it involves a custodian sitting on my backpack, losing something very important, stuffing and emptying my bag about 5 times, getting in trouble for filling my water bottle up at the airport water fountain (when I thought I was going into London), smuggling a bag of items I had meant to stick in my suitcase, and sweet talking about 6 security guards.) ugh! It was harder to get into the shopping area than it was to get on the plane OR into the country!!! By the time I made it into the terminal, I was exhausted and literally had to fight falling asleep. Although, there were a million little shops to keep me distracted.
The next plane was much newer, and much smaller. My legs were literally pinned between mine and the seat in front of me…. For all 11 hours. I thought I would be clever: by ordering the vegetarian meal, I would be served first. You’ll never guess what they were serving for the veggie dish: MORE SPICY CURRY! With the tight space, I did not sleep a wink. It was horrible. Due to my sleep loss, I began getting very very sick, and then I couldn’t eat the rest of the time. The only good thing about this flight was meeting Jo. Jo is a very sweet young woman who lives in Joburg. She is a speech therapist and often works in the HIV unit of Johannesburg General Hospital… She had also spent a year working with patients in a tribal village near Swaziland. My conversations with her were more enlightening than any materials I’ve read or movies I’ve seen. She gave me her contact info, and I felt much better knowing at least one Joburg-ian.
I was so sick when I arrived. After surviving the horrible customs line and gathering YES BOTH of my bags!!... I was very excited to see a sign, reading “Stacy Beery—Sparrow Village” Johnny was unable to greet me at the airport due to a lack of transportation. (For those of you who don’t know, Johnny Wakefield is a friend I graduated with. He was the one who told me about Sparrow’s Nest, because he is working at the Nazarene headquarters in Joburg and had volunteered at Sparrow.) Pauline, my dome-mate, was the one holding the sign. Just getting out of the airport was pretty difficult.. the driving is crazy here. Of course, everything is opposite and manual… So I cannot drive. Pauline has been here several times before, and is pretty high up on the chain of command. As we drove to Sparrow, I was amazed at the sights I saw: beautiful homes, shopping centers, a big city skyline. This is just scratching the surface of the great “extremes” I spoke of earlier, but we will have to save the rest for later.

my first "top five"

TOP FIVE THINGS ENGRAVED IN MY MIND, SO FAR:

1) The BEAUTIFUL face of Joel, the new love of my life-- He is 12 years old, appears to be maybe 5, has a T-cell count of less than 4 (whereas yours and mine are somewhere around a thousand), and who has been at Sparrow for 3 weeks.
2) The little ones-- the sound of them at play outside my window, touching the little children whose photos I had stared at for weeks... and (the thing I REALLY cannot stop thinking about) the little baby boy who kept following me around crying, arms spread, calling me "Ma-ma-ma-ma-ma." He didn't want anyone to hold him but me. How do you walk away from that???
3) The words of the woman sitting next to me on the plane... about how in many areas around here, men who are the un-natural fathers claim rights to their wives' young daughters... in every way.
4) Listening to Pauline's (my house-mate) response when I asked why she was walking up to the house (instead of returning in the van). She said she had to park it at the front gate because she couldn't get it around the giant Hearse that was parked in the way.
5) Watching a little girl dancing wildly to birthday music being played, as her doctors chatted about her .04 cell count when she first arrived at Sparrow.

miracles do happen, and they are happening here.

i must be off to bed now... still recovering from the jetlag.

a ship sailing

[slightly modified letter]

"A ship in a harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are for." -John A. Shedd


Dear friend,
I have exciting news to share with you! Please journey with me as I tell you of the wonderful ways that the Lord has been at work in my life over the past couple of years. As you probably know, I studied abroad in Australia the first semester of my junior year of college at Olivet Nazarene University. Through my studies at Kingsley Wesleyan College in Melbourne and various experiences there, I was able to grow in ways I never could have imagined. Without a doubt, the largest contribution to my growth was separation. I was taken out of every comfort zone I knew and thrown onto the opposite end of the globe, without knowing a soul. I had no cell phone, no set itinerary, and ‘no worries, mate!’ God had me right where he wanted me... alone. You may have heard the song lyrics, "I choose to be Holy... Set apart for You, My Master, ready to do Your will." It is when you are stripped of everything that you are truly forced to rely on God and are able to do His will. I assure you, God wants you alone...in one way or another... There is so much He is waiting to share with you... and with me. Needless to say, during this time, I was able to hear from God in ways I never had before. He began whispering many things to me in those still moments, and one of these whispers involved myself and missions to Africa.
For a long time, that’s all I had: me, missions, and Africa. Since that time, God has guided me down a winding river to bring me to the place where I stand today. He has spoken to me through His Word, though dreams, through total strangers, through various service opportunities, and in so many others ways to get my attention. For quite a while now, I have attempted to serve through a mission organization. Specifically, I intently pursued becoming a Nazarene World Mission volunteer to Africa. Well, through a strange course of events (which I would love to share with you), God showed me that He had different plans for me than I had for myself. For the first time throughout this whole process, I can assuredly say that I have complete peace about where God has placed me. Don’t get me wrong, I am of course a bit nervous about the task which lies ahead (which is why I need your prayers), but I know this is His will for my life right now, which gives me fulfilling joy that overcomes all fear!
So let me tell you a bit about this wonderful place to which the Lord has led me. Welcome to Sparrow’s Nest Rainbow Village: the first AIDS village in South Africa (and in the world).
"Sparrow Village is an inter-denominational Ministry of Help... caring for destitute terminally ill adults and children with HIV/AIDS. We primarily function as an in-patient hospice facility offering comprehensive medical, nursing, psychological, social, spiritual, educational and occupational care -- through a multi-disciplinary team."
Despite the thousands of people who have passed on since its start in 1992, Sparrow refuses ‘to be stunned into passivity by this silent killer’ and holds true to its motto of "GET UP AND LIVE!" Specifically, I will primarily be working with the beautiful children of this village, known simply as "the sparrows." Most of these children will not survive past their pre-adolescence; however, through this ministry, they will be able to see and experience the love of Jesus, first hand. "No child should live or die alone." Please listen to the following story, told by founder Corine McClintock, of how Sparrow Ministries got its start:
"[The name] Sparrow Ministries was impressed on my heart by the Lord. The world is full of little sparrows, insignificant but plentiful little birds. We are very like them in many aspects. I believe that God wanted to show us that this was not a racial, intellectual, or select community – but just ordinary people needing help. And so, we chose the unbiased name of Sparrow. Singular, because we are all single in God’s Sight. This was confirmed when one patient confided in me one day, and mentioned that nobody would ever remember him, once he had gone...With joy, and emotion, I recited Matthew 10:29, 'Not one sparrow falls to the ground, and God is aware of it, you are worth more than many sparrows.’ Thus, Sparrow Ministry began and our remembrance tree was born. The tree bears the names of all our precious patients who have passed on to the Lord, and once a year we hold a remembrance service and invite relatives and friends, who on that day, bury all their regrets, hurts, and guilt and start to live again."
By visiting http://StacyBeery.blogspot.com, you will be able to read my journals/ updates and view new photos each week. Also, by clicking on the "Sparrow" links on this website, you will be able to read more of these stories and see the beautiful faces of Sparrow. I encourage you to visit this online resource today, so that you may begin the adventure with me. I need your prayer and encouragement so much already. However, I ask that instead of just praying for my safety, you would pray that the Lord will make me dangerous. As Matthew 11 states, "...the kingdom of God has been forcefully advancing, and forceful men and women lay hold of it!" God did not create us to remain ships in a harbor. For you, ‘being dangerous’ may not mean going to Africa... Maybe it’s speaking to the stranger in the elevator, inviting a co-worker over for dinner, letting go of a harmful dependency, listening with an open-mind, or making eye contact with the sea of faces you pass by each day. I seek to travel through uncharted waters, and this is why I need your prayers. Having faith, I am asking God to give you clarity and peace about what your role might be in my journey.
Thank you in advance for your partnership in prayer as we accomplish this journey of love, together.

May God be with you in the coming weeks!
Stacy

around the world in 90 days

well, it's the night before. technically, the day of. (departure, that is) i'm feeling.... i have no idea what i'm feeling. all i know is that somewhere between packing socks and cotton balls, i started to cry. i have so much on my mind that i cannot think of any one thing clearly. i seriously feel as though i'm looking at everything with one eye open.... it all just appears like a shallow wall in front of me. needless to say, i've had to stop packing for a little while... because i was packing about one item per half hour. too bad i don't have time to be in slow motion. i can't believe that tomorrow is it! really... i'm not sure why, but it really still does not seem like i'm leaving tomorrow, and i think that is what's scaring me the most. i'm kind of in shock. maybe it's worse this time because i've been preparing for this and working toward it for so long. for the last two years it has always been something in the distance, and now it's actually here! while i'm in shock, i still cannot stop thanking God for the miracle He has brought me to.
it's a strange thing. the last few days i've been very selective about everything i've eaten, done, etc. because i knew it would be the last time i tasted or tried doing it for a while. i cared more about relationships and those in my life. saw family i haven't seen in months. and i cannot help but think... is that how these amazing little "sparrows" are able to live life to the fullest each day? they know their days are numbered... they don't think they're invincible, as the rest of us do. or maybe it's the opposite: maybe they do think they're invincible, because of the freedom they find in Jesus Christ. and maybe that's why they live such bright little lives. well, maybe some light will be shed on this soon.
hopefully, the rest of these posts will be more content and less jumble... but who knows! i'm sure there will be far TOO much to type. but i'm going to try to post as often as possible. i think i'll post my "support" letter, to shed some light for those who have not yet seen it. it will explain much more about this mysterious place to which i am going. may the journey begin! (eek!) :O)